its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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