Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
