She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
