If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
