I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
