you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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