Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
