I didn't shave. On purpose
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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