When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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