1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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