I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
