i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
