i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Randomize
