the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
