Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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