i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
