its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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