You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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