just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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