i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Still dying that you shit outside
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
