Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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