why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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