hotel room ftw
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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