I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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