then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
