Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
