Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
