I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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