i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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