I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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