Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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