I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
