Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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