i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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