clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
