Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
