just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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