What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just invented taco cereal.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
