I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
