I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
