I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
