I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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