her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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