I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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