I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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