I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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