Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
