The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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