So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
