i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
