got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize