i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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