All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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