Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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