i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
