Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize