Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
