Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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