Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
