She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
