Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
