remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This baby is an asshole
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
