Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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